GWAR

An interview with Lead Vocalist, Oderus Urungerus and Bassist, Beefcake the Almighty
by Edub
April 2012

Maximum Ink: This is E-Dub from Max Ink Radio hanging out at The Majestic Theatre in Madison, WI with Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Almighty. 12 Studio releases, 22 videos, a couple of Grammy nominations
Oderus: We’re ashamed of those, of course….

MI: And yet you still find the time to rape, murder, and pillage…How do you manage to keep that schedule?
Oderus: Well, that’s basically, the music and videos are about rape, murder, and pillage. And we just rape, murder, and pillage while we’re doing it and that makes it very easy to make music about rape, murder, and pillage.

MI: I suppose you’re kind of killing two birds with one stone, aren’t you?
Oderus: Yes, and sometimes when you’re killing birds while you’re doing that, you’re actually killing three birds with one stone.

MI: Speaking of killing, you, Balsac the Jaws of Death, and Jizmak Da Gusha – you guys have been together for millions of years. But on Earth here, for what – 22 years?
Oderus: Something, sort of, even more, I think. 27, 28, it’s fairly meaningless when you’re immortal but something around there.

MI: That leads me to my next question – how many years is that?
Oderus: In dog years or GWAR years?

MI: GWAR years.
Oderus: An INFINITE number! There’s no way that the human mind could even comprehend. Humans only think of time going in one direction, when actually, time is going all ways at once in every possible permutation; every possibility of any situation is enacted and then immediately syndicated into reruns. So, your tiny little brain would, even in a city like Madison, full of hoity-toity little smart people – your
fucking brain would EXPLODE if I tried to explain it any more than that!

MI: As violent as you tend to be anyway, how have you managed to not kill each other in all that time together?
Oderus: Oh, we are indestructible! We are mighty warriors!  We know that beating on each other would be a fruitless task. We could inflict small amounts of pain, perhaps even cause some anal bruising, but, at the end of the day, we will hug and kiss each other and drink heavily! No, we like to confine our violences to creatures that we are dominatingly stronger than. We really don’t like fighting so much as just destroying things, and the more weak and helpless and pathetic the creature is that we are destroying the better.

MI: I feel honored that you haven’t killed me yet!
Oderus: We have been ordered to not kill members of the press on this tour. It’s apparently not helping us very much to do that.

MI: Last week, you appeared on the Dan Patrick Show.
Oderus: I did and I was GREAT!

MI: I know that you had a great time, especially with a human (Patrick) that you hold in such high esteem.  It’s a bit of a catch-22 for you, don’t you think?
Oderus: Some stars just, you know, rub me the right way. Joan Rivers was one, and Dan Patrick was another. And I’m certainly glad that he doesn’t look like Bob Barker anymore. Because that was pretty horrible. Dan is great, the Danettes are great, and I left my rancid mangina as a memento of my filthy stay. Apparently, it’s ruined the entire studio already and they’ve had to relocate down the block.

MI:  They just don’t understand generosity when they see it, I guess.
Oderus: Well, they talked about my ass the whole next day, I have to think that I made some kind of impression.  It was a little bit better than just the stench.

MI: The big question that’s on everybody’s mind is, with Flattus Maximus now gone, who will take over the shredding leads?
Oderus: No one is taking over the shredding leads – nobody can. We’re not even gonna try to replace Flattus Maximus, I mean, he has decided to leave the Earth and go back to outer space, and we can’t blame him for that. We’re really mad at him, of course, but we can’t blame him.  We’ll blame each other, or blame you, perhaps!  But, um, we’re just going to work our way into it.  I’m sure that some of his Scumdog brothers are going to be dropping by the planet wanting to lay down some tracks. And, of course, everybody knows – everybody knows! – that there are more Scumdogs underneath the GWAR fortress that have yet to be dethawed.  I could go down there and dethaw any number of Scumdog guitar players.  But, what I’m worried about is that I will wake up somebody that’s even more powerful than I am! I don’t want to be eaten like Zeus ate his own children. I don’t want to have to eat my own children, unless, of course, I’m eating their genitals….and it’s a nice casserole. Harumph…

MI: I happen to co-host a sports show, here on Max Ink Radio, and I’m wondering if you have any advice for a young, handsome sports personality like myself?
Oderus: Hmmmmmm….well, unfortunately when you’re a sports announcer, just being kind of blase’ and horrible seems to be a big part of it. But I notice some of these guys, they get like, they get where they get a little more attention by acting kooky and crazy.  That doesn’t really work, either. I don’t know shit about it, honestly.  I’ve dabbled with it, but it’s kind of like a hobby that I’m not very good at, yet. I just, you know, plug away! Go Team! Rah rah! Grow some tits! I don’t know. I’m too busy worrying about my career.

MI: One last sports question – do you think, in your estimation,  that your beloved Washington Redskins overpaid to get that number two draft pick?
Oderus: No they did not. They’ve needed to do that for years. They’ve been spending just as much money on washed up, crappy, marquee-name players just to fill seats and sell stupid jerseys. Now they actually have got a quarterback that they can build a franchise around, and that is. of course, what they have lacked for the last 20 years, there. They haven’t had a good quarterback there since Trent Green, who they traded away for some idiotic reason. He went on to become concussed repeatedly with the Kansas City Chiefs. And, I believe now, he just drools into a bowl of Cheerios, and stares out the window.

MI: That’s his just desserts, right?
Oderus: Well, you know, Dan Snyder’s a twit. It’s the most offensive name in the league. We haven’t had a Super Bowl victory in years. But even more stranger, is why Oderus Urungus would give a shit. And I’m not even sure about that. Something about the Capitol of the most fucked-up country on Earth draws me to it like maggots writhing in an open wound. And the fact that you have a football team in the capitol of the supposed “land of the free” that is named after such an offensive image. Ha ha ha! It’s almost like they did it on purpose. Why don’t they just call them the Injuns or the Heepum Wampum Users or something? I don’t know.

MI: A couple of questions from our listeners.
Oderus: Oh jeez, you should do good with one of these. We’re gonna give one to Beefcake, see how he does. See if I just take this one away from him.

MI: One of the questions comes from Mike, who wants to know, “How is pimping going for Sleazy P. Martini, and will we see him for tonight’s show?”
Beefcake: Sleazy will not be here tonight, but he is always pimping. He has to keep his pimp hand strong, you know. 

MI: Second question is from Ryan, who actually hails from Richmond, VA. He wants to know, “What’s your favorite thing about Richmond, VA?”
Beefcake: Nothing….the crack – the crack is delicious.
Oderus: You did pretty well there, that was good! Anytime they ask about Richmond, say, “crack cocaine”.  And also say, “that’s where we steal all the art students from, that we enslave to wipe the dried brain matter off of our intricately enameled war suits.” It’s a tradition in Richmond, ever since Jefferson Davis, the president of the Confederacy, was apprehended by union troops trying to escape the city in his wife’s clothing.

MI:  Final question from our listeners. Diane wants to know, “What was the inspiration behind your fantastic suits of armor?”
Oderus: Mmmm…a desire to make you people look ugly.

MI: My final question, which we have kind of answered already is, are you going to kill me, when we’re done here?
Oderus: Oooooh! Well, I would like to, but we need to get you back to your radio station and deliver this crap – well, actually, it’s all down on the hard drive, now!  I guess we could kill you! 

MI: Uh oh…
Oderus to Beefcake: Kill him! Rape him! Rape him, and then kill him! Alright, listeners, say goodbye – I hope you didn’t have any family. 

MI: Ok, well, my last words…
Oderus: (Guttural sounds of intercourse, followed by sounds of release)  Face melting metal!!!

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